Today was one of those days...Okay, it was like this: if a Lewis Black monologue and a Ralph Steadman cartoon could get together and make a baby, it would look like today.
I have had three cups of coffee today.
Oh, and the Predators lost to Boston tonight. I may have to break up with my Secret Hockey Husband, Tim Thomas. Maybe I just need some space for a little while. I should have taken it as a sign when I walked out the door wearing a Red Wings t-shirt. Kevin took one look at me and said, "You are making Jason Arnott cry." I can't bear this. I'll give the t-shirt to Goodwill or wear it to my next dental appointment (#157 in a series of 1479) maybe Chris Chelios will scare my dentist and he'll actually let me get up and run around, go pee and decompress after two hours in the chair. Don't get me wrong. I love my dentist, but the past few visits have been more like being the workbench under a happy guy with a Dremel on a Saturday afternoon in May. By the way, Chris Chelios is making me cry. Every time I see him, I picture some little kid in a Blackhawks jersey following him down the ramp, screaming, "Shane! Shane!"
Should I really be this wired from three (3) cups of coffee? I am getting old.
Have I mentioned that I am going back to school? Have I mentioned that in order to do this I have to present proof of shots I got when Nixon was president? That I have to find out if I ever actually graduated from high school and if they accept United States currency to mail a transcript from Western Kentucky University. Of the four colleges I attended during my misspent youth, Western weighs in as the most expensive. Their transcripts cost 7.00. Overpriced Arts and Basketweaving comes in second at 5.00, Bayou Fried Chicken State set me back 2.00 and Tiger High's are free with the purchase of a Dana Kirk bobblehead. (#3 in the "Back In The Day Series") I got my MMR booster. The doctor was lovely and the staff deserved combat pay. The waiting room was like a Brueghel painting, only with Elmo instead of demons as a recurring motif. I will never again mourn not having a child.
Why, oh why won't this coffee wear off?
I really should have stayed home anyway. I would not have consumed that last cup of coffee and I'd probably have dozed off sometime after the final buzzer but before "Living With Ed" started. I am sure the people at Untitled Artists wanted to tranq me with a dart gun. I would have tranqed me with a dart gun. During the meeting I: 1.)apologized to a teenager on behalf of my generation for subjecting her age group to the linty horror that is the ouvre of Rankin Bass' holiday programming and the concommittant nostalgia that causes it to get foisted on a new crop of children every year 2.)allowed Robert the metalworker dude to be a Bad Influence and feed me scores and stats from his I-Phone during the meeting. 3.)be inappropriately amused multiple times 4.) talked way, way too much. Even if I know what I'm talking about, silence is golden and I should aspire to that kind of wealth. Or something like that. 5.) I also used the phrase "batshit crazy" is front of the aforementioned teen. I am still punchy and its...nearly ten thirty?
Coffee beans the wonderful fruit...
I think I also called a number of people and told them I loved them. If I didn't call you please know that I love you, too.
a very wired and silly me