Interspecies Hockey Chat: November 16 The Groinville Edition

Hello and welcome to another edition of Interspecies Hockey Chat. I'm your host, Jas Faulkner.  Before I introduce our panel, I would like to share one of my favorite fan moments involving a child:



Okay, that one was pretty awesome, but I am actually referring to a letter written to the PFO (Predators Front Office) by Beautiful Alice's son, Dustin*, earlier in the season.

Dear Coach Trotz,
I watch the Nashville Predators on Center Ice and I am glad you are letting Danny play but he needs to share.  You need to let Pekka play too. Pekka came all the way over from Finland to play hockey and doesn't get to see his Mom or Girlfriend except in the Summer. One time I had to go all the way to Indiana to play hockey and they would not let me play until THIRD PERIOD.  I was mad.  I had a girlfriend last year but we broke up because I like hockey better. Please make Danny share.

Your fan,
Dustin
Age 7
Grade 2, Reggie Dunlop Elementary
Right Wing, Nationwide Insurance Tiny Cats

Dustin has been pleased to see that the space between the pipes is indeed being shared.

Now, time to introduce today's panel:

His Holiness the Doggy Lama Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu Nik is our newest panel member. He was being held for unspecified charges at Sumner County Humane when someone agreed to post his bail. Now he is a free dog with his own kibble bowl, regular tummy rubs and a Puu doll. He loves hockey and chasing squirrels. His role models are JP Dumont, Dan Ellis and Bob the Angry Flower.

Maggie the Hampshire Pig Maggie is a world class sow who thinks Michael Phelps, Zdeno Chara and Kermit the Frog are the bee's knees.

Arnott and Tootoo (taking a deep breath) Arnott and Tootoo are Beautiful Alice's son, Dustin's guard hamsters. They are female. Everyone is aware of this except Dustin, Arnott and Tootoo. Their role models are the raptors in Jurassic Park and Joe Thornton.

Kevin Kevin is a human. He finds that cold pizza really is the breakfast of champions.

So, let's begin. What a difference a month makes. The lines, the clear winners, the assumptions that were held all Summer have been smashed to bits. The injuries, the upsets and the dramatic turnarounds have made this season interesting to say the least.

Tootoo: I blame the injuries most of all.

Arnott: Yep.

Nik: It's like half of the NHL has decided to stay home and sit on the couch in their pajamas and eat grilled cheese and watch cartoons.

Tootoo: Nik, it's not that simple. Never underestimate the power of a groin pull.

Arnott: Yeah.

Maggie: (snorts)

Tootoo: Have you ever had a groin pull?

Arnott: Yeah!

Maggie: Of course not. Have YOU?

Tootoo: Of cour- Well. I'm not sure. Arnott?

Arnott: I tried some pulled pork once...

(Chaos breaks out and Jas has to threaten them with Nik's no-no rattle.)

Maggie: It has given some of the supporting players a chance to shine. By last Spring, coverage of the NHL was starting to look like The Alex and Sidney show with Marian Hossa as the Beaver.

Kevin: I think most of the people on injured reserve are coming back soon if they're not back already.

Jas: Let's get local here. What do you think of the Predators so far?

Maggie: It looks like somebody put something in Sullivan's Wheaties and he's decided to share.

Tootoo: Maybe they really do sell cans of it in California.

Arnott: Cans of what? (Tootoo whispers to Arnott) Oh!

Kevin: They're finally starting to hit their stride. We're seeing something closer to the full team that Trotz must have envisioned when he was working out the lineup during preseason.

Tootoo: Well yeah, that, too.

Arnott: Yeah.

Nik: The last two games were made of awesome. Goals from Tootoo and Legwand? I'll take 'em! And the only thing that would have made last Thursday better would have been a hat trick for Sully since his dad was there. 55 shots on goal by the Preds and 53 saves by visiting goalie Price? Wow.

Maggie: I have mixed feelings about the California road trip, but it's always been a mixed bag for me. Sully, Smithson and Hornqvist were the standouts and I've seen hustle and guts from Goc and Bouillon that make me appreciate them being here.

Jas: So things are looking good?

(Nods from everyone)

Jas: Okay, before we wrap up, I'd like to talk about "Make It Seven"

Kevin: Do we really want to go there?

Jas: We do. I've given a lot of thought to this and can see both sides of the debate. My solution? Forget moving into Europe and make it eight with the expansion teams going to Winnipeg and Hamilton.

Tootoo: What have you been smoking?

Arnott: The NHL is pretty big as it is.

Maggie: If it's that big, will two more teams make a difference?

Jas: What about moving teams?

Nik: Shouldn't happen. Should never have happened in the first place and shouldn't happen now. There's room for everybody. On the other hand, if people think the league is too big they could always split it up and have a Canadian league and an American league.

Maggie: That would leave Canada with six teams, or eight if they got the expansion teams.

Nik: MLL has six teams.

Tootoo: True, but look at who they would have. Could be interesting.

Arnott: Yeah.

Nik: Frankly, I think a 32 team league could work and yeah, I'd like to see 'Peg and Hamilton back in the NHL.

Jas: Any other thoughts?

Maggie: I miss Ryan Jones.

Tootoo: We need more of Trotz getting his yell on.

Arnott: Loved that.

(Everyone nods and smiles at that.)

Jas: Okay. That wraps it up for another edition of Interspecies Hockey Chat! On behalf of all of us here, I wish you all smooth skating and plenty of hits between the pipes.





*Identifying information has been changed to protect a minor

copyright 2009 jas faulkner

I Need A Nap And A Cookie

Today was one of those days...Okay, it was like this: if a Lewis Black monologue and a Ralph Steadman cartoon could get together and make a baby, it would look like today.

I have had three cups of coffee today.

Oh, and the Predators lost to Boston tonight.  I may have to break up with my Secret Hockey Husband, Tim Thomas.  Maybe I just need some space for a little while.  I should have taken it as a sign when I walked out the door wearing  a Red Wings t-shirt. Kevin took one look at me and said, "You are making Jason Arnott cry." I can't bear this. I'll give the t-shirt to Goodwill or wear it to my next dental appointment (#157 in a series of 1479) maybe Chris Chelios will scare my dentist and he'll actually let me get up and run around, go pee and decompress after two hours in the chair.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my dentist, but the past few visits have been more like being the workbench under a happy guy with a Dremel on a Saturday afternoon in May.  By the way, Chris Chelios is making me cry.  Every time I see him, I picture some little kid in a Blackhawks jersey following him down the ramp, screaming, "Shane! Shane!"

Should I really be this wired from three (3) cups of coffee?  I am getting old.

Have I mentioned that I am going back to school?  Have I mentioned that in order to do this I have to present proof of shots I got when Nixon was president?  That I have to find out if I ever actually graduated from high school and if they accept United States currency to mail a transcript from Western Kentucky University.  Of the four colleges I attended during my misspent youth, Western weighs in as the most expensive.  Their transcripts cost 7.00.  Overpriced Arts and Basketweaving comes in second at 5.00, Bayou Fried Chicken State set me back 2.00 and Tiger High's are free with the purchase of a Dana Kirk bobblehead. (#3 in the "Back In The Day Series") I got my MMR booster.  The doctor was lovely and the staff deserved combat pay.  The waiting room was like a Brueghel painting, only with Elmo instead of demons as a recurring motif.   I will never again mourn not having a child.

Why, oh why won't this coffee wear off?

I really should have stayed home anyway.  I would not have consumed that last cup of coffee and I'd probably have dozed off sometime after the final buzzer but before "Living With Ed" started.  I am sure the people at Untitled Artists wanted to tranq me with a dart gun.  I would have tranqed me with a dart gun. During the meeting I:  1.)apologized to a teenager on behalf of my generation for subjecting her age group to the linty horror that is the ouvre of Rankin Bass' holiday programming and the concommittant nostalgia that causes it to get foisted on a new crop of children every year  2.)allowed Robert the metalworker dude to be a Bad Influence and feed me scores and stats from his I-Phone during the meeting. 3.)be inappropriately amused multiple times 4.) talked way, way too much.  Even if I know what I'm talking about, silence is golden and I should aspire to that kind of wealth.  Or something like that. 5.) I also used the phrase "batshit crazy" is front of the aforementioned teen. I am still punchy and its...nearly ten thirty?

Coffee beans the wonderful fruit...

I think I also called a number of people and told them I loved them.  If I didn't call you please know that I love you, too.   

Love,
a very wired and silly me

Guest Blog: Meet a Boy Named Tzu!

I'm turning the keyboard over to my newest guest blogger:

This is His Holiness the Doggy Lama Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu.  Touch his Puu Doll at your peril.

 

Hello!  My assistant is busy trying to get some paintings finished before the deadline for her next co-op show and no one is watching hockey right now so I figured it was as good a time as any to get online and see what all the fuss is about.  You're more than likely here because you want a different view on the important things in life: french fries, hockey and my Puu doll.

First things first.  If you touch my Puu doll, I will cut you.

Second:  All of the french fries are mine.

Third: I have been adopted into a hockey loving household. This is a huge improvement over the shelter.  While I appreciate the people there for taking me in, it's nice to have the run of the house, occasional rogue turns at the remote, and a box of toys I don't have to share.  Now if I could just get the fat one to stay off of my bed, everything would be perfect.

Hockey is really easy.  The big panda bears in the net cages throw biscuits out on the ice and everyone chases them with sticks until someone grabs a person with the wrong sweater on and beats them before the color-challenged players tmake them go into the naughty box.  I think they may do this because they are jealous of the pretty sweaters with aminals on them.  There's also a man with a striped suit and no neck or facial expression who stands on the side.  He may be there to walk someone out if they have to go wee.

There's this big wolfhound in a red sweater?  His name is Ovechkin?  Some people here like him.  Some people's mothers will only say that they like him better than Hossa.  Earlier this season Tim the Big Boston Panda knocked Ovechkin down and one of his teammates pushed him flat on the ice as he skated by.  Gramma did this weird "Ha ha" Mom calls a Nelson Laugh.  Hockey makes Gramma mean.  It makes our friend Silbia mean, too.  I heard she was at the Nashville/Dallas season opener and managed to get down next to the plexi and bang on it and tell Brendan Morrow that he was making her damned mad.  I don't think they thought an 83 year old Methodist Sunday School teacher was going to do that!

I am also trying to get my friend, Maggie the Hampshire Pig to blog with me.  She loves swimming and Michael Phelps.  She said that he is the most beautiful man in sports and no one could turn her head.  So I got out an old copy of Hockey News.

"Who IS that?" she squealed.

"Zdeno Chara" I said.

"He's...BEAUTIFUL!"   I also showed her a couple of pictures of Pavel Datsyuk, so our girl is hooked. 

Pigs.  Give them a burrito and some pretty Russian men and they're as pliable as beeswax in Phoenix in August. 

Until next time!

Nik

PS.  Get well wishes to JP Dumont.  As a former shelter dog, I am glad he took the time to speak on our behalf this Summer.  He's my favorite guy here in Nashville and I miss seeing him on the ice.  -Nik

Not the Essay I Meant to Write Today and An Open Letter to Polanski's Supporters

I wanted to write about hockey and introduce you to my new dog and have everyone's pets hold forth about the mess of groin injuries that have kept some of Nashville's best on waivers.

I had also planned to write about why I think there's room for 32 teams in the NHL and that Gary Bettman needs to make it eight.

And I will. But not yet.

You see, a number of people, some of whose work I have loved and some of whom I have come to admire are referring to an incident in which a 44-year-old man doped, raped and sodomized a 13-year-old girl as she pleaded for him to stop as a "so-called rape" and "not exactly rape-rape" and "a sexual relationship". Their movies and books are in my personal library, but they won't be after today. 

It has been hammered in my head from high school on that you need to seperate the person from the work and experience the art on its own merits.  While there is some truth to that, it is also a fact that we each approach art from our own viewpoints that are formulated by personal experience.  Unless we treat all art as something to be approached similar to the way a gallery show is blind juried, there's no way we can truly not see the hands, hearts and minds behind the work that we allow to feed our lives.

I'll go ahead and tip my hand here: I am a rape survivor.  I have also spent a chunk of my adulthood working with sexually abused children.  Maybe I should be able to turn that off and just enjoy the show, the books, whatever, but I can't.  So anyway, count me as one of those "unsophisticated, barbaric Americans" who thinks Polanski needs to be extradited to the US to face the consequences of his actions. I think he's lower than worm dirt. The people who are so quick to dismiss this because he's a good filmmaker are no better as far as I'm concerned. So, the letter that follows is for you:

Penelope Cruz
Michael Mann
Wim Wenders
Tilda Swinton
Woody Allen
Pedro Almodovar
Wes Anderson
Jonathan Demme
Stephen Frears
Costa Gavras
Terry Gilliam
Buck Henry
Wong Kar Waï
John Landis
David Lynch
Michael Mann
Jeanne Moreau
Barbet Schroeder
Martin Scorcese
Harvey Weinstein
Ethan Coen
Whoopi Goldberg
Isabelle Adjani
Taylor Hackford
Isabelle Huppert
Neil Jordan
Milan Kundera
Sam Mendes
Mike Nichols
Salman Rushdie
Steven Soderbergh
and at least a hundred other people...

 
To those who support Roman Polanski,

Many of you produced work that fed my soul.  Now I find it hard to even think about having anything you've produced in my house.  So over the next week I will be purging books, movies and music.  Of course this means nothing to you, you've already made money from the sale of those things.  For that matter, I am hardly a person of consequence, so in the grand scheme of things, my displeasure means very little.  I know this, and yet I still feel a need to offer a counterpoint to your use of your fame and influence to push for the trivialization of an incidence of rape.



I have to wonder if you have thought about what your response would be if you or your child had been raped and a group of influential people came to that person's defense, summarily dismissing the damage done to you.    Judging from your actions, it sems that long as it's not you or anyone you don't know, you don't care. I find it tragic that your moral compass is so very skewed by talent and celebrity that you would have no problem lending your name and reputation to the support a rapist.  I wish any of you could spend time with some of my former clients.  You would see first-hand that an "indiscretion" isn't just one big "oops" but something that can cause lasting pain and damage to the victims.  I wonder if it would even matter if you were given the chance to see it.  I don't think any of you have any idea how damaging your actions are to those who are trying to get people to take sexual violence seriously and I am losing faith that you would care if someone you would listen to explained it to you .

Whoopi Goldberg has gone on the record as saying this in regards to the Polanski controversy:

“We’re a different kind of society. We see things differently..."

 In my society rape is considered wrong regardless of the age of the victim or the status of the attacker, so yeah, to say it's a different kind of society is putting it pretty succinctly. It also tells me that you have little or nothing left to say that I would want to hear, so I'm getting rid of your work and will never again buy, listen to or watch anything you produce.  I may be just one person, but I am one person who can express my displeasure by deciding who gets my entertainment dollars.  Until you can convince me that what  Polanski did was okay and your support of him was justified, those dollars will never go to anything with any of your names on it.

Preseason Biz and a Big, Belated Thank you

It's almost time. Pucks dropped all over the place as teams rolled out their shiny new rookies and the long, multi-national nightmare that was the Dany Heatley Soap Opera has finally come to an end. He's a Shark. Here in the Athens of the South, we saw some favorites from Milwaukee do some good stuff on the ice and everyone is quivering with anticipa...tion for October. So yay for all that.

On a personal note, I owe a belated thank you to the nice people at the Predators Office. Earlier this month  I was working on a painting and looking for pictures of kids wearing fan gear to make a visual reference sheet. For the record, I didn't use any of them and ended up painting Beautiful Alice's son, Dustin. He's one of the co-owners of Arnott and Tootoo (the blogging hamsters, not the hockey players).

So I was Googling things like "Predators Hockey Fans", "hockey fans", "NHL fan Jerseys" and "NHL fans" and I would occasionally stumble across a picture of my late dog, O'Neill. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the link to find out he had won the Pedigree Predators Pet of the Month for April.  Those of you who follow the blog know he passed away April 29th.  It completely slipped my mind that I should check to see who the Pet of the Month was and I never got to thank whoever it is at the Preds office that picks the winners.  So, whoever you are, it was a nice surprise.  I'm sure he would have been thrilled to know his Pekka Rinne Fanboy status is now a part of the fan community's history.  On behalf of his family and many friends, I'd like to offer a sincere Thank you!

Art For All The Right Reasons

As a former social worker, I have friends and acquaintances who sometimes pause, squint, shake their heads and tell me they "just don't get the whole art thing". They sigh and then ask me, "What does it do?"

What does it do?

My short answer is, "So very much," at least for me.

My more complete answer is that many artists, especially the ones I have been lucky enough to meet over the past few weeks here in Nashville, often devote chunks of their time and talent to helping people gain a better understanding of issues that many people, people who you may never meet or know have to deal with on a regular basis. Want to see what art can do? Then walk the walk and devote some time to visiting this show:

These Small Things

THE DEETS:
September 5, 2009 / 1st Saturday Crawl / up through September 26
6-9 PM
Blend Studio
79 Arcade
Nashville, TN 37219

Middle Tennessee photographer Eric Denton is married to a hero. His wife teaches in one of the more underfunded corners of the state and he has been helping kids in that county learn to understand and share their world through photography. The show focuses on four young artists who have been working with him, but he would like to expand the program so more children can get an opportunity to learn about photography.

Do you have an old digital camera lying around, memory cards you're just not using or did you flip off a nun for cutting in front of you on Charlotte last Wednesday and now you need to cleanse your black little soul by making a donation to a good cause? (Yes, I'm lookin' at YOU, Sara.) Well, here's your chance.

Visit his site at Thinks I Make And Do and help Eric make a difference!










You're still here? And you ask what's in it for you? Contribute to Eric's program and I'll give you a 10% discount on your next order at ZenDixie.com and donate 20% of the proceeds from your order to Cameras For Kids.

Hockey Blogs To Follow: Pot Doo (Or is this Pot Twah?)

Hockey withdrawal is not pretty. This is usually when I start commiserating with other fans online and seeking out good hockey blogs. Today I'm gonna link you to a pair that are not only educational, but darned funny. Oh, and as a lagniappe: video of Jordin Tootoo's summer hair. You're welcome.

First up...

Down Goes Brown
http://downgoesbrown.com

Whenever someone in the NHL makes the news, one of the first sites I check is Down Goes Brown.
Some of his best posts include his coverage of what TSN didn't show of Brian Burke at the NHL draft:

Burke (whispering): You need to listen to me very carefully. There is a bomb hidden under you draft table. It is about to go off. You need to evacuate right away, or else you will die. Do you understand me?

Kevin Lowe: Brian, I know it's you. I have called ID on my phone.

Burke: ...

Lowe: You're not allowed to call me. It's in the restraining order. (Click.)

Burke (still whispering): Dustin Penner sucks!

and the Leafs' secret Facebook feed:

Mats Sundin left the Toronto Maple Leafs network.
July 1, 2008

Bob Gainey poked Mats Sundin.
July 1, 2008

and an etiquette guide for Jason Spezza'a wedding

Occasional place setting mixups are to be expected at a crowded reception. DO NOT make a big deal out of the fact that everyone has a cup except Marian Hossa.

Imagine The Rick Mercer Report or The Daily Show if they were all hockey, all the time. The result would be something almost as good as Down Goes Brown.


Psycho Hockey Lady
http://psychohockeylady.blogspot.com

Katrina Cady is one funny woman who writes a love letter to hockey with a pen that is loaded with equal amounts of acid and honey. Her posts offer tongue-in-cheek advice on mix tapes for the road, how to handle friends who don't like hockey and other vagaries of 'bunny life. It's funny stuff and I love her blog.

What really grabbed me as a reader was her book, Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies. You can find it in the body of her blog as serial posts and featured as linkable chapters in the sidebar. Her take on puckbunnies is funny, sad, chilling and infuriating. Given that it was written as a therapeutic purge when she was eighteen, it's pretty impressive. It would be interesting to see what would happen if she tackled a rewrite in a few years with the help of a good editor and some temporal distance.

Note: I like to think that the majority of the players on my team are decent guys who love their families and try to live up to the motto that the Predators are about "character, not characters". So yeah, there's a part of me reading her book and thinking, "Not Dan Ellis! Not Arnott! Dumont? Mon dieu, non!" Still, on the rare occasions that I'm not engrossed in the game, I plan to take a look around and see if the puck bunnies in Nashville are anything like the ones she writes about.

aaand:



Versus seriously needs to pick this up. For that matter, why can't we get Canadian television down here? We can get BBCA but I have to find online bootleg feeds of "Slings and Arrows" and "Little Mosque on the Prairie"? Please... (And yes, I like "Little Mosque on the Prairie". Get over it.)