Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Latest Addition To My Beauty Regimen

I had every intention of completely missing the little patch of creamed, chipped torture that is Black Friday. Then I walked into the kitchen to see His Holiness the Doggy Lama in front of his bowl munching away happily and realized he was on his last bowlful of crunchy security. Oh, the horror. Oh, the guilt. As soon as I got off from work, I trundled to the nearest Wally World to get him a new bag o' kibbled goodness.

While I was there I decided to get some cough drops and out of curiosity wandered over to the cosmetics section. The aisles were like the retail equivalent of a middle school girl's restroom. Everything was geared to make you think you were a barely presentable troll whose choices were 1.) run weeping into the pet supplies section or 2.) look up and down the shelves while declaring that you would take one of everything.

Needing brain bleach, I headed over to the sporting goods section. It looked like it had been sacked by marauders (and people...people...some of us still love fletched arrows, I'm just saying...). They had a lot of their equipment marked down and I decided at that point to quit worrying about what I was supposed to buy in order to feel better about myself and get something I really wanted. So I started looking for a soccer ball. At first I was ready settle for a size 4, four dollar cheapie but then concluded that I really needed an adult-sized ball. The shelf where the nine-dollar Black Friday balls had been was empty. I walked over the clearance section and found a dozen that had been marked down to fifteen dollars. Tucked behind them was a very pretty, size 5 Franklin Air Matrix X-Caliber model. I loved it as soon as I saw it. When I saw the label that declared that no child labor had been used in its manufacture, I decided to forget the cost. Then I looked at the price tag. Ten dollars. I hope whoever tucked that ball back there completely forgot about it or found something they liked better, because I put it my cart and practically skipped to the checkout.

Here it is:

HH the Doggy Lama Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu is a little ambivalent about it. He loves to chase it, but when it rolls back at him he looks like Wile. E. Coyote trying to outrun a boulder. He has his own size 2, underinflated ball that he often keeps in his chair/den (along with Puu and one of whatever pair of shoes he can filch from that day) that he uses for living room pickup games.:

You know? That ball makes me feel far better about myself than the bottle of greasy stuff I'd probably use twice and then stick in my medicine cabinet until it got old and questionable looking enough to throw out without guilt. My dribbling is already getting better and I can bounce it from my foot to my knee a couple of times before it bounces to the side of the hallway. In short (too late!), that ball makes me feel pretty awesome.

copyright 2009 jas faulkner

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Face Pets On Some Of Your Favorite Predators and A Chance To Give A S**T!

Last night's match between the Nashville Predators and Detroit was one of the best games this season. Pekka Rinne was his usual awesome self, Arnott is starting to spoil us with his habit of drawing first blood at the opposing net, Legwand, Tootoo, Bouillon and Goc continue to show the brains, hustle and heart we've come to expect from them and Erat was so jaw droppingly good that someone preemptively threw their hat on the ice after his second goal.



Some of us -I won't name names- some of us tried to watch the game but we couldn't get past the surfeit of facial hair on many of the guys. Some of us -cough/Kevin/cough- felt compelled to call people up and ask if they were hallucinating or if that really was a fu manchu on Dumont, a Euro-facepet on Arnott and Late 20th Century Dad-staches on Weber, Smithson and Sullivan. Okay, here's the deal: They're not trying to channel the cast of Slap Shot. They're taking part in Movember. That's right: Dumont, Smithson, Arnott, et al are Mo Bros Retro and silly? A little. But it's for a good cause. Men all over the world are doing this to draw attention to the need for more awareness of the measures that can be taken to combat and prevent prostate and testicular cancer. The best part? All of the funds that are raised will be divided evenly between The Prostate Cancer Foundation and The Lance Armstrong Foundation. So join in the fun. You have until December 15th to be a Mo Bro and grow that stylin' 'stache or be a Mo Sis and offer your support. Check out the links above at the Preds website or for more information.

Have you ever thought, "Gee, the world would be a better place if people just gave a s**t"?

Thanks to Oxfam, you can now give a shit; or maybe you would rather give a whole cow, or vaccine or bees or a grove of trees. All of that and more is possible through Oxfam America's Unwrapped Program. Click on the link for more information on ways to give the gift that makes a difference.

copyright 2009 jas faulkner

Monday, November 16, 2009

Interspecies Hockey Chat: November 16 The Groinville Edition

Hello and welcome to another edition of Interspecies Hockey Chat. I'm your host, Jas Faulkner.  Before I introduce our panel, I would like to share one of my favorite fan moments involving a child:

Okay, that one was pretty awesome, but I am actually referring to a letter written to the PFO (Predators Front Office) by Beautiful Alice's son, Dustin*, earlier in the season.

Dear Coach Trotz,
I watch the Nashville Predators on Center Ice and I am glad you are letting Danny play but he needs to share.  You need to let Pekka play too. Pekka came all the way over from Finland to play hockey and doesn't get to see his Mom or Girlfriend except in the Summer. One time I had to go all the way to Indiana to play hockey and they would not let me play until THIRD PERIOD.  I was mad.  I had a girlfriend last year but we broke up because I like hockey better. Please make Danny share.

Your fan,
Age 7
Grade 2, Reggie Dunlop Elementary
Right Wing, Nationwide Insurance Tiny Cats

Dustin has been pleased to see that the space between the pipes is indeed being shared.

Now, time to introduce today's panel:

His Holiness the Doggy Lama Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu Nik is our newest panel member. He was being held for unspecified charges at Sumner County Humane when someone agreed to post his bail. Now he is a free dog with his own kibble bowl, regular tummy rubs and a Puu doll. He loves hockey and chasing squirrels. His role models are JP Dumont, Dan Ellis and Bob the Angry Flower.

Maggie the Hampshire Pig Maggie is a world class sow who thinks Michael Phelps, Zdeno Chara and Kermit the Frog are the bee's knees.

Arnott and Tootoo (taking a deep breath) Arnott and Tootoo are Beautiful Alice's son, Dustin's guard hamsters. They are female. Everyone is aware of this except Dustin, Arnott and Tootoo. Their role models are the raptors in Jurassic Park and Joe Thornton.

Kevin Kevin is a human. He finds that cold pizza really is the breakfast of champions.

So, let's begin. What a difference a month makes. The lines, the clear winners, the assumptions that were held all Summer have been smashed to bits. The injuries, the upsets and the dramatic turnarounds have made this season interesting to say the least.

Tootoo: I blame the injuries most of all.

Arnott: Yep.

Nik: It's like half of the NHL has decided to stay home and sit on the couch in their pajamas and eat grilled cheese and watch cartoons.

Tootoo: Nik, it's not that simple. Never underestimate the power of a groin pull.

Arnott: Yeah.

Maggie: (snorts)

Tootoo: Have you ever had a groin pull?

Arnott: Yeah!

Maggie: Of course not. Have YOU?

Tootoo: Of cour- Well. I'm not sure. Arnott?

Arnott: I tried some pulled pork once...

(Chaos breaks out and Jas has to threaten them with Nik's no-no rattle.)

Maggie: It has given some of the supporting players a chance to shine. By last Spring, coverage of the NHL was starting to look like The Alex and Sidney show with Marian Hossa as the Beaver.

Kevin: I think most of the people on injured reserve are coming back soon if they're not back already.

Jas: Let's get local here. What do you think of the Predators so far?

Maggie: It looks like somebody put something in Sullivan's Wheaties and he's decided to share.

Tootoo: Maybe they really do sell cans of it in California.

Arnott: Cans of what? (Tootoo whispers to Arnott) Oh!

Kevin: They're finally starting to hit their stride. We're seeing something closer to the full team that Trotz must have envisioned when he was working out the lineup during preseason.

Tootoo: Well yeah, that, too.

Arnott: Yeah.

Nik: The last two games were made of awesome. Goals from Tootoo and Legwand? I'll take 'em! And the only thing that would have made last Thursday better would have been a hat trick for Sully since his dad was there. 55 shots on goal by the Preds and 53 saves by visiting goalie Price? Wow.

Maggie: I have mixed feelings about the California road trip, but it's always been a mixed bag for me. Sully, Smithson and Hornqvist were the standouts and I've seen hustle and guts from Goc and Bouillon that make me appreciate them being here.

Jas: So things are looking good?

(Nods from everyone)

Jas: Okay, before we wrap up, I'd like to talk about "Make It Seven"

Kevin: Do we really want to go there?

Jas: We do. I've given a lot of thought to this and can see both sides of the debate. My solution? Forget moving into Europe and make it eight with the expansion teams going to Winnipeg and Hamilton.

Tootoo: What have you been smoking?

Arnott: The NHL is pretty big as it is.

Maggie: If it's that big, will two more teams make a difference?

Jas: What about moving teams?

Nik: Shouldn't happen. Should never have happened in the first place and shouldn't happen now. There's room for everybody. On the other hand, if people think the league is too big they could always split it up and have a Canadian league and an American league.

Maggie: That would leave Canada with six teams, or eight if they got the expansion teams.

Nik: MLL has six teams.

Tootoo: True, but look at who they would have. Could be interesting.

Arnott: Yeah.

Nik: Frankly, I think a 32 team league could work and yeah, I'd like to see 'Peg and Hamilton back in the NHL.

Jas: Any other thoughts?

Maggie: I miss Ryan Jones.

Tootoo: We need more of Trotz getting his yell on.

Arnott: Loved that.

(Everyone nods and smiles at that.)

Jas: Okay. That wraps it up for another edition of Interspecies Hockey Chat! On behalf of all of us here, I wish you all smooth skating and plenty of hits between the pipes.

*Identifying information has been changed to protect a minor

copyright 2009 jas faulkner