Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays to Everyone!

Here's the card I sent out this year:

Happy holidays from me and Nik the Doggy Lama!

(as always) copyright 2009 jas faulkner

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Guest Blog & Counterpoint: An Anti-Movember Appeal From Maggie the Pig


I have a question for the Predators Front Office:


A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that some of  the Nashville Predators were starting to sport a lot of facial hair.  At first I thought it was a coincidence.  A little later I noticed that everyone on the team was doing it and it occurred to me that they might be trying to disguise themselves from someone, but who?  Joe Thornton?  The Bluejackets?  Jim Balsillie?  Then I happened to see a picture on the website. There was JP Dumont, front and center.  They had decided to flush him out so people would know it was him.  But why? I clicked on the link where they had misspelled "November" (and by the way, people, it's December already.  Sheesh!) and what I saw shocked me.

No wonder the guys are trying to hide!  Someone at the Predators Front Office is taking bids on which one of them gets cancer. Words fail me. I know there was some frustration before the November  (or "Movember" as they keep insisting in spelling it) winning streak, but isn't this a little extreme?

And you fans who are voting with your dollars?  I don't know what to make of this.  Do you really hate Dan Hamhuis that much? Steve Sullivan and Shea Weber aren't faring much better, either. Someone really, really has it in for them.

I know, yes, I am only too aware of how that strange little dog has endorsed this so-called charitable venture. All I can say is that he needs to start reading more for comprehension, bless his heart.


MAGGIE: Tootoo, I'm not finished.


MAGGIE:    I'm talking!

TOOTOO: For crying out loud, it's a charitable drive for the prevention of prostate cancer.

MAGGIE:  Are you sure?

TOOTOO:  Yes.  Look I don't have a whole lot of time. Dustin's mom is going to put us back in the Habitrail any minute now; but trust me, they're not trying to kill the Predators.

MAGGIE:  Oh, okay.  So, uh, what is prostate cancer anyway?

TOOTOO:  It's...Well?  It's where they...Oh wow.  I don't know, either.  Arnott?

ARNOTT, DUSTIN'S OTHER GUARD HAMSTER: I think it has something to do with harbl health for hockey players.  Tootoo? We really need to scoot.

MAGGIE: What's your hurry anyway?

TOOTOO: SOMEBODY made pellets on the bath mat.

ARNOTT: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

A Very Special Appeal From His Holiness The Doggy Lama Niklas Lidstrom the Shih Tzu

Hi! I would like to talk to you about a very important subject: facial hair. I am a big proponent of facial hair, as are many of my favorite hockey players.

 Lately, all of them have started wearing more facial hair than usual. (Yeah, we know, Jumbo Joe Thornton is sporting a full lumberjack look by five every day, but he's he exception.) There's a good reason for that. It's part of a very important event called Movember

Starting in November and going through December 15th, many hockey players will be growing out their mustaches as part of a fundraiser for research and prevention of prostate cancer. All of the money they raise will be divided between The Prostate Cancer Foundation and Livestrong (The Lance Armstrong Foundation). Wanna join a Mo'Bro group?  Click on the link and sign up, then click your camera and show off those beautiful Mos! You can also vote for your favorite Nashville Predator Mo!  I'm still not sure who's gonna get my vote. Arnott and Dumont have pretty cool Fu Manchus going on, but I like the Dad-staches on everyone else, too. Maybe I'll vote for whoever gets the next hat trick. (Legwand? Smithson? Sully? Goc? I'm lookin' at you!)

This is all in fun but on the serious side, one in six men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer. It's the second most common cause of death by cancer and the sad fact is, it is easily detectable and can be treated if it is caught in time. So vote often and support your local Mo'Bros!  I am!

Nik the Shih Tzu

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The Adventures of Brandie, Girl Reporter!

In the midst of the flu, holiday prep, hockey season, getting ready for school and the thick of helping my friend and sometimes writing partner Marcus pull together a play, a friend of mine asked if her daughter could interview me for a project on women in the arts.

My response was something akin to, "Whah?"

"Oh goodness." I said, "Is this for publication anywhere?"

There was a long pause. "I don't THINK so... She wants to write comedy. Don't you still write comedy?"

I looked over at Marcus. He was on day two of running on no sleep and black coffee until finally agreeing to eat deli-fried chicken while informing me that soy pudding was Not of the Lord. He looked, well, scary. I thought of sweet, impressionable young Brandie coming face to face with the comedy writing version of Alec Holland and was both appalled and amused. Maybe I could scare her into nursing school.

"Send her on." I said and twenty minutes later Brandie sat on my couch nursing a Mexican Coke while Marcus typed out a line, grumbled, hit the backspace key and typed it again and again and I stood in a doorway at the other side of the room, swathed in a scarf to keep her from catching whatever I have. We looked like Nancy Drew had decided to spend career day with the Symbionese Liberation Army.

"Okay, how where do you want to start?" I asked.

Brandy thought for a minute and then said, "Pretend you don't know me. You don't have to be all nice and stuff. Act like this is a real interview."

"But it is a real interview." I said.

She preened for a moment and then opened her Jonas Brothers notebook and turned on her tape recorder.

"How long have you been writing comedy?" she read from her list of questions.

"Seriously? Since I was maybe eleven. I watched Second City and Saturday Night Live and wanted to write for Gilda Radner and Catherine O'Hara."

"They had Saturday Night Live when you were eleven? How long ago was that?"

Marcus looked up from his laptop, "It was originally on the radio..."

"Shut up, Marcus!" I shot him a death glare. "He's kidding," I said to Brandie.

She looked dubious and soldiered on to her next question.

"Who did you write for?"

"I, sometimes we, ghost wrote for various people, comedians, a couple of football players, speeches and ad copy, stuff like that."

Brandie looked more interested. "Really? Which comedians?"

"I'm sorry, kiddo. Can't say. Professional courtesy."

Marcus stopped typing for a moment, "Not even the dead ones?"


Brandie looked enthralled. Oh, dear. "You wrote for dead people? That's kind of cool."

"Brandie, they weren't dead at the time."

Marcus decided to help again. "They died after she wrote for them."

"Awesome! Do you write for anybody right now?"

"Just me," I said.

She looked a little disappointed and scanned the page in her notebook for her next question.

"Who is your favorite person to make fun of?" she asked.

"I'm more likely to poke fun at situations than people. Anymore, if they're the kind of people I should be making fun of, they're probably best left alone because they really don't deserve my attention."

How do you decide if you'll write it or not?"

"Easy," I said, "I substitute my name for the person I'm writing about. If it still makes me laugh, it stays. But I'm weird and I know it. What makes me laugh might hurt someone else's feelings. So sometimes I think, 'Eh, that's too mean' and go back and change it."

"Kind of lame. The meaner people are funnier. I write funny stuff all the time about people."

"You'll outgrow it," I said. "So, uh, Brandie? This is a class report, right?"

"Kind of. But it's gonna be in the school paper if that's okay."

Oh yeah. Gonna buy five copies for my mother...

copyright 2009 jas faulkner